Monday, December 31, 2012

New Beginnings and Full Disclosure

Well hello there, Bloggers!
It's the last day of 2012 and I, for one, am not too sad to see it go.
It's been an interesting one.  Full of change.  Full of beginnings and endings.  Some foreseen and some not so much.
I've had a few people ask me why I haven't been blogging as much as I was.  I mostly just put them off but have decided to share a little something about myself that some of you may, or may not, know.
(be warned - this post gets a bit verbose ;)

 For many years now I have suffered chronic depression.  It's not something I like to shout out to the world, but there it is.  For the most part I have been able to manage it with medication and the odd bit of therapy, but for some reason from the very beginning of this year, for the whole of this year, it has been worse.
For those that have never had to deal with mental illness, or depression it is very hard to understand.
Let me just start by saying this - there is not always a rhyme or reason for it.  Being depressed or having a depressive episode is NOT the same as being sad.  If you are sad there is often a very good reason for it. When I am having a 'bad' day I often get so frustrated because a part of my brain is often yelling at me saying 'suck it up!  what have you got to be sad about?  Things aren't nearly as bad as they have been in the past and here you are falling apart!' But that's just the way it is. I hide, away from everyone (usually in my room) unable to answer the phone, go on the computer - whether to check or respond to emails or anything where there might be a person on the other end.  As much as I try and talk myself out of it, I can't. There's no reason, nothing I can pinpoint, and more often than not, no trigger.  Sometimes I just wake up and it's a bad day.  And that bad day can last for many days and then I'll have a good day, or a good couple of days, and then it's back down to the bottom again.
I think the biggest difference this year is I just haven't been able to 'fake it' as much anymore. People often think that if you act happy and funny and quirky then your life it all sunshine, rainbows and lollipops.  Newsflash, it's not.  Often it's a ruse, an act, to function in the real world.  Except lately it's like I've run out of the energy to cover it all up and the cracks are showing a bit too much.  And I didn't want my Blog to be a whingey. whiny arena ;)   (although you may have noticed that the last couple of posts weren't the merriest ;) So, I stopped. Thinking that when I could fake it a bit better, I'd start Blogging again..... Except, I still haven't gotten to that point again.  Lately, though I have been thinking that maybe, I should just come clean.  Get it out there and move on.  I know that the only way that we can reduce the stigma of mental illness is to be open and honest about it, but it is still hard.
So, bear with me.  I want to still share my quirky, creative journey with you, but just wanted to give you the heads up - it might not always be pretty, and happy happy joy joy.  but I'm trying.  And I've decided that if it helps others by my being a bit honest, then that's an added bonus.  I know that it helps me to know that I'm not the only messy and broken one out there, so I guess, I just wanted you guys to know it too.


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